心情 【奇怪的外网瓜】老婆想要“自由一回”

[hyphakinshi]

这里是菌丝

新人报道的时候说过，以后打算翻译外网瓜来赚节操什么的

其实也算是把这个东西当作自己平日翻译练习来做的

之前翻过一次发在另一个论坛，正好现在还出不去新手村， 就先发这里试试，看看大家的接受度（顺便水点节操）吧

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原文标题：My cancer survivor wife wanted a "Hall Pass"

第一次更新：

My wife and I have been married since 2001 and together since 1999. She is the most intelligent, thoughtful, caring, loyal person I know, and I have always thought of myself as fortunate to have met and married her. She is, even today, aesthetically beautiful and men have told her this throughout our marriage. She has always shot them down.
我（54）和我老婆（51）99年开始在一起，01年结的婚。她是我见过最聪慧、最体贴、最温柔、最忠贞的人，我一直都觉得自己能娶她真的很幸运。时至今日，她的容貌也不减当年，结婚以来一直有男人向她表白，都被她拒绝了。

Earlier this year, she was diagnosed with uterine cancer, stage 1 and had a full hysterectomy. I was never concerned about the cancer, it was diagnosed early, dealt with quickly and she made a full recovery. I took time off work to look after her after the surgery and all seemed well. There were some to-be-expected emotional instances on her part and although I am not an emotional person, we dealt with them together.
今年年初，她确诊了一期子宫癌，做了子宫切除术。我并没有担心，毕竟确诊早就医早，她也完全康复了。她手术完后，我请假在家照顾她，似乎一切正常。她也出现了一些情绪上的变化，我也能够理解。虽然我不是很擅长处理这种情绪，但是我们还是一起度过了这一难关。

After her recover, she was insistent that we start “living life to the fullest” and took a 10 day trip to Europe, followed by a trip to Belize. We also have a trip to the UK and Spain/Portugal later this year. I am fine with these things, building memories and crossing bucket-list adventures off her/our list. I also understand that these are a result of feeling fragile on her part. She also took up Yoga, Swimming and healthy cooking classes. I was fully onboard until last week.
她康复之后表示，我们要“充实自己的人生”，于是我们开始旅游，先是欧洲10日游，然后是伯利兹旅游，同年晚些时候还去了英国、西班牙和葡萄牙。我对此没有意见，毕竟我们可以一起创造美好回忆，完成她的，或者说是我们的愿望。我也能理解这是因为她经历过癌症才出现的这种感觉。她还开始做瑜伽，学游泳，还参加了健康料理 培训班。我一直都很支持她，直到上个星期。

Last week she came home from work and told me she wanted a “hall pass”. A one-time opportunity for her to have sex with someone else besides me. She said that since her cancer diagnosis her outlook on life has changed and she doesn’t want to be handcuffed from doing things she wants do. She explained that there is this guy at her work that she has always had some attraction to. He is leaving the company and she will never see him again, so this is the perfect opportunity to sleep with someone else. She said that I could say no of course but that she would “be mad/disappointed at me for an indeterminate amount of time and that it would be confirmation of my male toxicity and insecurity.”
上星期她下班回到家，和我说想要“摆脱一下束缚”，让她和别人来一炮。她说，她确诊癌症之后自己的人生观就改变了，不想再被束缚着不能做自己想做的事。她说，她单位有个同事，自己一直对他有点感觉，他马上就要离职了，自己以后也不会见到他，那既然如此刚好可以跟他来一发。她表示，我可以不同意，但她会生气，这说明我对她不放心，还有“大男子主义”。

I don’t consider myself to be toxic and if not wanting your wife of 20+ years to have sex with someone else is insecure than I guess I am insecure. I told her that I appreciated her talking to me about this but approval via coercion is not approval. I also said that I do not appreciate her language in describing my, as of yet, unknown reaction to this very large issue that could affect the rest of our marriage/life.
我从来不觉得自己算是大男子主义，而如果不想让你二十多年的老婆去和别人上床也算“对她不放心”的话，那我确实不放心。我对她说，感谢你能和我商量，但你这样逼我同意可不算我真心同意。我还说，这件事可是会影响我们的婚姻生活的大事，我甚至还没有对此做出回应，你就开始说我大男子主义，这让我很不满。

I got up in the morning she basically said that she was sorry for putting such a large decision solely on my shoulders and that to “help” she was taking the decision away from me. She booked a hotel near where her coworkers are having a party/send-off for this guy and she would spend the night there, with him and hoped that I would be here when she got back. That she would answer any questions I have about the night after it happened but not before. She will not tell me who he is or anything about him “because she knows me too well and that I will dwell and obsess over him” and that would make it “too real for me” which is pretty accurate. Her POV is that the less I know the better which contradicts the offer to tell me anything I want to know after it happened. I think she knows I wont want to know/ask anything or she simply will not tell me.
第二天早上，她对我说，抱歉不该让我承受做决定的压力，所以她要自己做决定。她在欢送会地点附近定好了宾馆，打算聚会后就和那个人去宾馆过夜，还说希望她回家的时候我能在家等她。她说等完事之后会回答我的任何问题，但现在她什么都不会说。她不愿意告诉我这个男的是谁，他是个怎样的人，因为她觉得“我很了解你，如果你知道了你会揪着他不放”，还说“画面感太强我怕你接受不了”。不过说实话，她说的也没错。她认为我知道得越少越好，但她又说回头会回答我的问题，自相矛盾。我觉得她知道我不会想问，否则她就不会这么说了。

Part of me thinks, at least she has been honest with me and she has been through a lot since finding out she had cancer so maybe I should just let it happen. I certainly have no concept of what she went through so I cannot dismiss how this affected her mental state/outlook on life. Part of me wants to put my foot down and say this is not going to happen and deal with those consequences when they happen. Her BFF called me callous for even suggesting that I wouldn’t let it happen, because I have no idea what she went through. I find it hard to believe that she is OK with the possibility of throwing away 20+ years of marriage over some guy that she has had no relationship with outside of work and that I should just call her bluff. Maybe she thinks similarly that I won’t throw away the marriage because of one encounter. I just don’t know what to do. I empathize with her and then an instant later I am angry with her.
一方面来说，至少她有老实跟我沟通，她确诊癌症之后确实也经历了很多，所以也许我就该随她去？我确实不知道她经历了多少苦难，所以我也不能否定这对她的心理状态和人生观产生的影响；但另一方面，我也想坚定一点，告诉她不准去，然后自己承担她的怒火。她闺蜜表示，我哪怕只是表态不让她去都算是冷酷，因为我无法理解她所经历的痛苦。我难以置信，自己的老婆居然愿意冒着舍弃一段二十多年的姻缘的风险，也要和一个只是同事的家伙来一发，还想让我一笑了之。可能她觉得只是一次的话我不会选择离婚吧。我是真不知道怎么办了。我能理解他，但我还是很生气。

Part of me wants to know who this guy is? What does he look like, what has he got that is so enthralling for her. Is he just a safe option? Is he married? Does his wife know? Would I be a callous asshole for saying No? What can I do besides walking away?
我心中一部分很想知道这人是谁？他长什么样，能吸引我老婆？他算是我老婆对我的备胎吗？他结婚了吗？他老婆知道这回事吗？如果我拒绝，那我算是冷酷无情吗？除了离开以外，我还能怎么做？

TLDR: Wife battled cancer, won, but now wants to have one night with a soon-to-be former coworker and I have no say in the matter. Accept it or destroy 20+ years of a great marriage.
总结：老婆癌症痊愈之后，想和一名马上要离职的前同事来一发，还说我说了不算，我只能要么接受，要么毁掉这二十多年的美好婚姻
 
Top Comment from u/Biauralbeats 热评
 Kinda think this is the way your marriage will be from now on. With her epiphany, she wants to relive her life and she is going to do it regardless of your feelings. I think she is being rather selfish and probably only threatens this because she thinks you are beaten down and will simply put up with it. Perhaps not the best time for trips and frills. She wants the single life- let her see what that means.
感觉你的婚姻以后也就这样了。她鬼门关前走一遭，于是就想随心所欲的活，不考虑你的感受。我觉得她很自私，提出这样的要求肯定是觉得你窝囊，不敢说什么。最好还是别恩爱下去了。她不是不想受婚姻束缚吗？就给她个自由吧。

OOP replies to some comments 楼主回复
She thinks because she will never see this guy again and that I have never met him (supposedly) that it wont really affect me or our marriage in the long term.
I am left with accepting it and never viewing her the same way again or going through a divorce at 54. Not really great options on either front.
I don't know where her head is and the bout with cancer is affecting her in ways that I couldn't possibly imagine. I don't think she believes I will leave.
她觉得反正以后也不会见到这个人了，我也（应该）没见过他，那长期来看应该不会影响婚姻。
我要么接受这一切，从此以后对她的看法都回不去了，要么在54岁来个中年离婚。二者都不是什么好事。
我真不知道她是怎么想的，也不知道这癌症到底对她有多大影响。她应该觉得我不会离开她吧。

 

[hyphakinshi]

第二次更新

I received a ton of advice that I couldn't possibly respond to. I do appreciate the people who took time to offer advice in the comments or via PM. It has been an exhausting couple of days.

收到了好多建议，回复不完了。感谢你们抽出时间在评论和私信里给我支招。这两天确实太累人了。

 

I was hoping that my opposition to her plans would give her pause, but unfortunately that did not happen. I said I am a hard no, and I am not sure how I will feel about you, if you go ahead with it. I was met once again with “this is for me, it will be one time, what can I say to help you deal with it, you’ll get over it, we were meant to be regardless of the situation” remarks leading up to Saturday.

我原本还希望她会在我的反对下暂缓此事，但她并没有。我表示我坚决反对，并且如果她去了的话，以后对她的看法都会改变。她的回答还是“这是我想做的事，反正也就这一次，我会陪着你让你想开的，无论如何我们都是命中注定”，一直持续到了周六。

 

She left Saturday, ostensibly to meet her coworkers, but in reality fuck the guy. I asked her to text me when she was leaving for the bar and when she did I asked her if she was really going to go through with this. After her response “I am not answering anymore questions tonight, I will see you tomorrow.” I blocked my wife. Then I did something either stupid or brilliant.

她周六出发了，明面上是说要去送同事，实际上是要去打炮。我让她出门的时候给我发个消息，并在她回我的时候最后跟她确认了一次是不是真的要这样做。她回我说“今晚我不会再回答你了，明天见。”我拉黑了我老婆，然后做了一件可能很聪明，也可能很蠢的事。

 

I went to the bar where the get-together was happening. Well not the bar but a transit bench across the street. I waited for a long time. It was running through my mind the leading up to this event, that I need to know who this guy was, maybe to compare myself against him. To see what he had that I do not. It was driving me crazy not knowing who he was and what was so special about him that she would ruin a marriage for.

我去了送行会举办的酒吧。没有进去，只是坐在街对面的长椅上。我等了好久。在此之前，我脑海里一直有一个念头，我要看看这人是谁，可能还想把自己和他对比一下，看他有什么我不具备的特性，能吸引到我的老婆，让她情愿毁掉这场婚姻。

 

After what seemed like eternity, a woman that I recognized from my wife’s office left the bar and got in a cab. Soon other people started filing out and a whole group came out and people were hugging a man and shaking his hand. I assumed that I had my guy. I didn’t see my wife and had a brief thought that maybe she called it all off. I unblocked her and there were no messages.

等了好久之后，我看见我老婆的一个女同事走出了酒吧，坐上了出租车。很快，其他人也开始走了出来，一群人围绕着一个男的，跟他握手。我觉得这就是他了。我并没有看到我老婆，心里还庆幸了一会，觉得她可能还是放弃了，于是我取消了拉黑，但她这段时间并没有跟我联系。

 

Everyone said their goodbyes and left, dude was standing outside for a few minutes and then my wife came out. She looked around, took his hand and started walking away together. Of all the emotions I went through, trepidation, sadness, anger, it was disgust that really encapsulated the event for me. This guy was short, fat, and bald, all the things I cannot compete with. Ultimately, I felt like a pervert for watching from a distance. I followed until they got to the hotel, and then turned around and went home.

等大家都走了，这人站在街上等了一会，然后我老婆也出来了。她环顾四周，牵起他的手，两人就这么一起走了。我心里五味杂陈，惶恐、悲伤、愤怒，最后占上风的是厌恶。那个人又矮又胖又秃头，都是我没有的优点。最后我自觉自己的偷窥行为有点变态，跟着他们到了宾馆，看着他俩走了进去，然后就回家了。

 

I woke up Sunday morning and put a lock on the master bedroom door. I moved her things to the spare room and left a note asking her to find other accommodations as quickly as possible. I visited another friend who is a lawyer and he gave me some sage advice and a couple of recommendations for divorce attorneys and made the introductions. My wife had been calling me numerous time since around 11 or so. Once blocked the calls go to voicemail. I listened to the first couple but felt nothing but some satisfaction when she couldn’t get through to me and she was obviously becoming concerned.

第二天周日，我早起之后把卧室门锁上了。我把她的东西都拿到了客房里，写了一张纸条让她尽快找别的地方去住。我去建了个律师朋友，他给了我一些很明智的建议，还给我介绍了几个离婚律师。从11点开始我老婆就一直再给我打电话。我屏蔽了之后，她就只能留言了。（国外电话打不通的话可以留言。）我听了前几条留言，听到她联系不上我开始担心，心里却只有满足。

 

I didn’t want to go home but I left in such a hurry that I didn’t plan an overnight properly. I got home around 9 and as per my buddy’s advice, I recorded the interaction. I was halfway up the stairs when she came up from the family room asking what was going on? Could we talk? I thought we talked about this? I just answered with I am not interested in discussing this tonight and went to bed. After not getting a response from me through the door she left me alone. I feel kind of like a child for not talking with her and shutting the door on her but I just couldn't look at her. Monday I got up and ready for work, she was waiting for me and asked if we could discuss getting back to normal. I said, you have been doing all the talking for the both of us for the last week, why don’t you continue and left for work. I have an appointment with the attorneys my friend recommended for this week.

我不想回家，但我出门太着急，没计划好过夜行程，于是只能回家。我9点到的家，并且按照我朋友的建议，把我和老婆的互动都录了下来。我上楼上到一半，她从客厅跑过来问我怎么回事，想要好好谈谈，还说“这事不是已经聊过了吗？”我说：“今晚我不会再回答你了，明天见。”然后就上床睡觉去了。她在我门口问了好久，我都没理她。我感觉自己这样关门生闷气有点幼稚，但我真的没办法直视她了。第二天周一，我起床准备上班，她在外面等着我，问我能不能讨论下要怎样回到日常状态。我说，上星期一直都是你在讲，要么你接着讲呗？然后我就去上班了。这周我和朋友推荐的离婚律师约好了见面。

 

TLDR: She went ahead with it. I am actually more disgusted by who she chose than the sex itself, if that makes any sense. I asked her to find somewhere else to live.
总结：她还是去做了。最恶心我的不是她的行为，而是她的对象。我把她赶出了家里。

 

Top Comment from u/RJPONY01 热评

I can only hope that you've decided to do what's best for you. At the end of the day you're the one that has to live with your decisions. From your previous post it's obvious that your wife, and I use that term merely as a placeholder, has made her decision.
I know that having something that has been such a huge part of your life end can be daunting, but sometimes it's for the best.
我希望你能做出对你最好的选择。最终还是得你自己承担自己选择的后果。从你之前的帖子看，你老婆明显已经做好她的选择了。
我知道舍弃自己人生中的这么大一部分很难，但有时这才是最优解。

 

Potential Waywards & The BFF - 2nd August 2023 另外开帖的评论

The BFF does not have your best interests in mind. The BFF wants to validate their bad choices by encouraging you to make the same ones. The BFF lives for the drama they help create. The BFF is titillated by the details. The BFF cultivates misery. The BFF is a narcissist, who cant help themselves, so if the statement, JUST GO FOR IT, YOU DESERVE IT, HE DOESN’T APPRECIATE YOU, HE DOESN’T RESPECT YOU, and in my case, YOU FACED YOUR OWN MORTALITY AND YOU SHOULDN’T LET ANYONE HOLD YOU BACK FROM DOING THE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY, maybe realize that you should talk with your significant other and explain what you are feeling. You owe it to them to discuss the way you’re feeling about yourself, your partner and your marriage.

她闺蜜根本就没在考虑你。她肯定是想让你也做错事，好为她自己做的错事找借口。她就是想把水搅浑，就是想搞八卦，就是想让你们受苦。她就是个毫不自知的自私鬼。如果她和你老婆说什么“尽管去做，你有权这样做，他不理解你，他不尊重你，‘你差点都死了，别再让别人束缚你了，尽管去做想做的事情吧’（最后这一句是我老婆闺蜜和我老婆说的）”，最好还是和你老婆解释一下你自己的想法，这对你和你们的婚姻都很重要。

 

Comments from OOP 原楼主回复

Yeah, once the dust settled I realized that I was desperate to hold on to something that no longer existed. I have initiated divorce proceedings.
最后我发现，我想要挽回的那段感情早已不存在了。我已经开始离婚程序了。

She has regret. Not remorse. Of course those are different things with different meanings. She regrets what has happened because her life is upside down now.
她后悔了，但还是没觉得自己错了。她后悔只是因为自己的生活被搅乱了。

Someone in a private message asked if her cancer could be back and spread to her brain which I don't know if it has actually happened or not, but I doubt it would make any difference to me at this point. I just don't see her the same way any more.
有人私聊我，问有没有可能癌症复发影响到她脑子了。我不知道有没有这回事，但事已至此也无所谓了。我对她的看法已经变了。

I told all her friends husbands about how they enabled this behavior and the fall-out is interesting.
我跟她的朋友们的老公都说了这个事，跟他们说了他们的老婆们是如何支持我老婆这样做的，还引发了一些蛮有意思的冲突。

I said that maybe they are covering for one another, that maybe my wife was just the next link in the chain. This got them going through their wives phones. A couple found inappropriate sexting. All husbands have made their wives cut off my wife (and each other).
我说有可能她们在互相掩护，可能我老婆是被她们拖下水的。于是他们开始翻自己老婆的手机，好几个人都找到了暧昧短信。他们都让自己的老婆和我老婆（以及互相之间）掐断了联系。

Was BFF one of those sexting?  你老婆的闺蜜也在发暧昧短信吗？

Of course. The BFF's husband says that she was definitely in a EA and probably a PA as well. He is still digging.
肯定的。我老婆闺蜜的老公说她肯定线上出轨了，搞不好线下也出轨了。他还在调查。

[hyphakinshi]

第三次更新

My lawyer wasn’t available for a few days, so I was faced with the reality of having to live with my wife in the interim. I really didn’t want to go home and have any discussion, let alone a discussion about our relationship.
我律师好几天没空，我只好就这么接着跟我老婆住一起。我真的不想回家，不想和她说话，更不想聊我们的感情。

When I did get home I was basically ambushed by her friends and my mother in-law. Instead of taking the remorseful approach they decided that a full court press was what the situation warranted and I was basically berated by them. The BFF was definitely the ringleader, but all of them decided to say such things as; she’s been through a lot, you don’t know what she’s been through, you have no idea what it is like to face something like this, this was a one time thing, at least she told you she could have hidden it from you, she will never see the guy again, and my favorite, you are an asshole for what you have been putting her through these last couple of days.
结果我回家的时候，她的亲朋好友和我丈母娘都在。她们没有表现出一点自责，反倒是整的跟审犯人一样把我批斗了一番。闺蜜带的头，其他人也跟着，说了一些什么“她经历了这么多，你根本无法想象，你根本不理解，明明就这一次，她明明可以背着你但她没有，反正她也不会再见这个人了，”甚至还说“你这段时间让她受了多少苦你知道吗”。

I listened with a “dumbass smirk” on my face and when there was a lull in their fury, I asked if they were all done now. Then I asked my wife if there was anyone in her circle of friends or anyone else that she forgot to tell about this. I quietly informed all of them that I was going to sit down with their husbands and tell them about how they verbally abusing me, shaming me and trying to coerce me into staying with a cheater. After I told them to leave, I said that I had no say in entire event and so they have no say in whether I stay or not.
我始终带着一脸冷笑听他们扯，等她们总算骂不动了，我问：“你们说完了吗？”然后我跟我老婆说，“你要不要检查下还有谁你没通知过来的？”最后我冷静的和她们说：“我会和你们所有人的丈夫都好好聊聊，告诉他们你们是怎么骂我的，是怎么想让我和一个出轨的家伙在一起的。”把她们赶走之后我表示，你做决定的时候我插不上嘴，那我离不离婚也和你没关系。

My STBXW sort of apologized. She said that she regretted the entire thing. I said there is a difference between regret and remorse. You regret what happened because of the cause-and-effect. You have regret because your life will never be the same, our relationship will never be the same because you where wholly and willfully unconcerned about me and what I wanted.
我的“未离妻”不伦不类的道了歉，说什么她很后悔。我说，你是后悔，但你还是觉得自己没错。你后悔是因为你无法承担这个后果，你后悔是因为你的人生因此改变，我们的感情也因此改变，不是因为你觉得你错了，而这一切都是因为你完全的、坚定的否定了我的想法和需求。

She asked if I had any questions that she would answer them now, no matter how disturbing. I said that the one question I do have is Why. Not necessarily why this guy, why this low-end unattractive, unfit guy, but why someone else in the first place? She said that the cancer scared her to her core. She felt like she was rushing toward mortality and stepping out of that tunnel was appealing. She said that after all this time of being a wife, and mother and worrying about family, this was something just for her. An escape. The guy was just someone who was interested in her for a long time, she knew wouldn’t say no and was completely opposite to me. I said if I was going to risk my marriage, the woman would have to be a serious upgrade from you. I told her that I saw you and him coming out of the bar that night. I watched you walk away from the bar hand-in-hand towards the hotel. I said that you looked too familiar with each other and asked if there was something going on before all this. She said no but who knows if that is the truth or not.
她表示不管我问什么难听的问题她都愿意回答。我只问了一个问题，“为什么”。倒不是说为什么选这个人，为什么选一个又丑又胖的屌丝，而是为什么会想和别人做？她说，她被癌症吓惨了，感觉自己还没做完想做的事就要死了。她说，当了这么久的人妻，当了这么久的母亲，为家庭操劳了这么久，这才是自己想做的事情，想要逃离这些身份。这个人对她有意思很久了，她知道对方不会拒绝，而且他刚好和我是完全相反的一个人。我说，如果我要冒着离婚的风险出轨，肯定会找个比你好上好几个级别的女生。我说，我看见你两走出酒吧了，我看着你们手牵手走进了宾馆，两个人明显很熟。我问她你们俩之前是不是就有关系，她否认了，但我不相信。

I said that after all our years together, your lack of respect for me was astonishing. I finished by saying that I would never be able to look at myself in the mirror again if I condoned that level of disrespect and stayed with you. I said I hope we can go our separate ways amicably and that I have an appointment with a lawyer later in the week. I again asked her to find some other accommodations and she simply said, I am not going anywhere. We are not getting a divorce. I will give you all the time you need and do whatever you need to recover from this. We will get past this. She has asked me to go to marriage counseling, which I refused. Why would I go to counseling, I did nothing to warrant needing a therapists advice.
我说，我们结婚那么多年了，你居然如此不尊重我。最后我表示，如果我自己出轨了还和你在一起，那我会羞愧到不敢照镜子面对自己。我表示希望能和平分手，并告诉她我这周已经约好律师了。我让她搬出去，她却表示她不走，她不离婚，她会尽全力让我能尽快克服这次难关。她后来还让我去参加婚姻咨询，我拒绝了。我做错啥了， 我根本不需要咨询好吗。

I had her served and gave her a notice to vacate (the house is my premarital asset). She has moved in with her mom but I find her constantly coming by to see if I need anything or making suggestions like ‘what if we had an open relationship only on your side or threesomes’, which seems kind of desperate and pathetic. Rebuffing her constantly and telling her she has to call to ask permission before coming by and finally seems to getting through to her that there will be no us going forward.
我给她发了离婚诉讼通知，正式通知了她搬离（房子是我的婚前财产）。她搬去和她妈住了，但还是时不时会过来，问我需不需要什么，还会提提建议，诸如“要么以后我不管你，你随便去外面搞女人，3p我也愿意”之类，又急又可悲。我每次都拒绝她，并且让她要来的话先打电话，我允许了才能来。她好想总算知道已经无可挽回了。

She has said that she will drag the divorce out for as long as possible, but so far has been compliant. The worst part of all this is telling my daughter that we are getting a divorce and why, followed closely by her begging me to give her mom another chance. I am not sure I would have been afforded the same consideration if I was the one who was cheating.
她说会尽力拖延离婚，但目前为止都还很配合。 最难受的是，我还得告诉我女儿离婚的消息，还要向她解释缘由，然后听她求我再给她妈一次机会。我觉得要是出轨的是我，我肯定不会有这种待遇。

TLDR: A lot of unkind things were said but she has been served and has moved out. Divorce is next with me hoping mediation is reasonable and I don’t get screwed in the end.
总结：说了很多不好的话，但她已经收到了离婚诉讼通知，也搬了出去。接下来就是离婚了。希望能调解解决，别把我整得太惨。

Comments评论

On his daughter: 关于女儿
I think it was just a gut reaction. In the weeks that have passed, and the more she understands what has happened, the more irritated she is becoming with her mom.
我觉得这应该只是本能反应。这么久过去了，随着她逐渐了解事情原委，她也开始怪她妈了。

On his wife: 关于老婆
I loved my wife. I, and others, found her to be stunning (she looks like Linda Carter). Now, knowing that she affaired down so low makes her a non-entity that I could never look at the same way again. No amount of counseling is going to change the way I see her.
我以前很爱我老婆的。我和其他人都觉得她长得很漂亮（她长得很像琳达·卡特）。现在，知道她出轨找了那么个垃圾男之后，她对我已经是个陌生人了，之前对她的感情都烟消云散了。这一点无论如何去婚姻咨询都无法改变。

Some Q&A:一些问答
Something had to transpire prior to her hotel excursion. There's no way she decided in a matter of a few days to pick and cheat with AP.
问：去宾馆之前肯定就已经有关系了。不可能短短几天就找到人出轨的吧。

Getting sex is easier for women. Maybe they were involved in a EA before and this was a culmination. I don't really know nor do I care, unless it benefits me during the divorce.
答：女性找性对象比男性简单多了。可能她们之前是线上出轨，这次算是修成正果了。我不知道，也不想知道，除非离婚官司用得上。

From what I know all of her friends have cut her off. They are trying like hell to save their own marriages that they are turning on each other.
据我所知，她所有朋友都和她绝交了。她们的婚姻都出了问题，她们之间也反目成仇了。

After vacating your house, is she feeling any remorse? Or is she still thinking you need to get over it as of today. Going NC with WW should be easy since daughter is an adult. What desperate measures has she taken that you haven't mentioned in your post and comments?
问：她搬出去之后觉得自己错了吗？还是说直到现在她都觉得你是在小题大做？你女儿已经成年了，所以完全不和你老婆接触应该问题也不大。她后来又做了什么疯事吗？
She was stoic and held her position right up until she was served. Then she became visibly upset and resorted to begging, pleading and bargaining.
答：她一直都很镇定，一副自己没做错事情的样子；等收到离婚诉讼通知的时候才开始难受，又是求又是讨价还价的。

Really? No Tears? No emotional meltdown?
I am sorry that happened to you.
How can she not see what she has done to you? The whole way this went is so surreal, from start to finish. It is like she has a manic or hypomanic episode.You are doing the right thing by divorcing her. Sorry, but there is no love in her anymore.
You, sir, have not lost your self-respect and have made the right choice. Take care of yourself.
问：眼泪都不流？也没有情绪崩溃？
很遗憾发生这种事。
她怎么就看不出来自己有多过分呢？从头到尾都抽象的一批，跟躁狂症发作一样。你这婚离得好，她已经不爱你了。
而你，我的朋友，始终都保留着自己的尊严，做出了正确的选择。保重。

Plenty of tears, begging and bargaining after the fact, but that maybe just optics. Maybe she fell out of love and now is regretting her new station in life. She's an attractive woman, she will have plenty of men willing to date her, but I won't be one of them.
答：刚开始她也哭了好多次，又是求又是讨价还价的，但也可能是装的。她也可能确实不爱了， 现在难过只是因为自己生活发生了变化。她很漂亮，肯定会有男的追她，但我是肯定对她没兴趣了。

Wow! Amazing poker face she really thought she owned you.
问：装的好哇！她全程都觉得自己拿捏着你。
She was confident, overly so.
答：她自信过头了。

If you ever feel the need to go nuclear, you could reveal the affair to her coworkers. I but that would be a disaster.
问：如果你想把事做绝的话，就把这事跟她同事讲吧，肯定会出大事。
I want her employed so I don't have to pay maintenance even if it was while she was between jobs.
There is a woman at her work who has always looked at me in an inviting way so maybe I will try to date her after this is over. That would be interesting on a couple of levels.
答：我不想她失业，那样我就得付她生活费了。哪怕只是她找工作的一小段时间我也不想付。
她单位有个女生一直对我有点意思，可能等这一切结束我会去约她看看吧。各种层面都会很有意思。

[hyphakinshi]

最终更新

 

There is not much to report. We are in the process of getting a divorce, however where we live, we must be legally separated for 1 year.

没什么好说的。我们在走离婚流程了，但我们这里有1年的离婚冷静期，必须合法分居一年才能离婚。

 

My STBXW has said that she will give me whatever I want in the divorce if I agree to attend marriage counseling, but I am not interested. There was a bit of back-and-forth while we worked out what separation looks like in everyday life from this point forward. As a result, we have only just agreed to the confines of the legal separation, so as we move towards defining the divorce language, maybe my stance may change.

我的未离妻说只要我去参加婚姻咨询，离婚诉讼的条件就随我开，但我没兴趣。我们在商量离婚前该如何相处的时候稍微拉扯了一下，目前只同意达到法定分居定义的限度。所以以后如果条件有变，我的态度可能也会转化吧。

 

The house was a premarital asset, so she has no claim to it. The only things she could go after are my pension, vehicles and vacation property but I would counter that she has lived rent free for 20+ years and has her own money plus inheritance from her father. I may have offer a top up in retirement as she was a stay-at-home mom while our daughter was young, but that would be the most at this point.

房子是我的婚前资产，她没有所有权。 她只能去分我的养老金，车，还有度假用房产，但我可以说我让她免租住我房子里住了二十多年，她自己有钱养老，还有父亲的遗产。我可能还是得给她付养老金，毕竟女儿年轻的时候她全职养娃，不过顶多也就这样了。

 

I received a lot of messages about her friend group and my daughter, so I will clear up and misconceptions now.

我收到了好多关于她朋友和我女儿的私信，澄清一下。

 

My daughter isn’t taking her mother side. She has always been a mommas girl but she is very unhappy with her mom right now. Her initial reaction was just shock and held out hope that we would work through any issues and stay together. Now she accepts that is not going to happen she has been limiting her interactions with her, but at the end of the day, she is still her mom.

我女儿没有站她妈。她和她妈一直很亲，但她现在也很生她妈的气。她刚开始的反应只是被吓到了，还抱有我们不会离婚的幻想，以为我们能解决这个问题。现在她已经接受了我们离婚的事实，开始限制与她妈的接触，但无论如何她妈毕竟还是她妈。

 

The friend group husbands were upset at the level of complicity of their wives in aiding and abetting the contact/cheating and made them cut off my wife, but that seems to have been forgotten at this point. The BFF was the ringleader and seems to have taken perverse pleasure in actively creating scenarios where they would be in contact. At the very least encouraging to the point of causing her husband to question her motives. It turns out she didn’t like me at all and this was her way of ‘sticking it too me’. I guess she wins.

老婆朋友的老公门很生气，自己的老婆居然会如此支持一个出轨的家伙，让她们和我老婆绝交了，不过到现在应该也忘得差不多了。带头的闺蜜似乎很喜欢找机会让她们重新聚在一起，甚至让她老公都起了疑心。最后发现她对我有很大意见，这一切都是她在报复我。看来她报复成功了。

 

The BFF’s husband said that there were some sexting in his wife's messages but said he is dealing with it. We did meet up a with him being apologetic for his wife’s complicity, but it is not his fault and just want to move on.

闺蜜的老公表示看到了自己老婆发的暧昧信息，说自己在处理了。后来我们又见了一面，他对他老婆的姿态表示道歉，但毕竟不是他的错，想要这件事就这么算了。

 

I have decided not to date anyone for awhile. I will not be getting married ever again.

我决定一段时间内都不会再谈恋爱了，以后永远都不结婚了。

 

So that is it. I doubt I will post again unless she wins the lottery and I find it my heart to forgive her…

就这样了 ，以后不会再更了，除非哪天我前妻中了彩票，然后我又重新爱上他了……

[hyphakinshi]

3 小时前，reflectK说道:

很不错就是 但是注意不要违反版规www

好吧，下次注意

主要觉得这种文本量太大的全挤在一楼会不太好，以后就只发一楼了

十二月 21, 2023，由hyphakinshi修改

[hyphakinshi]

9 小时前，oh鸡你太美说道:

什么嘛，国外正常的男性还是挺多的嘛（

女性都一样抽象（

主要是版本劣势，刑不上妻子礼不下丈夫

国外流浪汉中有一部分人就是因为离婚的时候房子被判给了老婆才无家可归的

小约翰可汗讲过一集特工因为离婚被罚的一穷二白转行当间谍的，这种案例其实比比皆是